I still want to finish the novella – maybe someday. I doubt anyone is still following it anyway.
I am just depressed and hurting. Everything is crashing around my head and the only thing I have left that I care about I’m probably going to lose. Yeah, I know – everyone thinks I should have just dumped my pets at the pound long since – but I don’t want them to die.
I get lonely like anyone else – but I’ve never had a someone else. There’s no one at home to talk to, argue with or care about – except my pets. They are live, warm bodies that touch me – I don’t get a lot of ‘touch’. When I was young, I’d been so strongly conditioned that I disliked it – now, I need it. But few people touch me and fewer ever hug. Just my babies when I get home – something warm will brush my leg or demand lap time. Love will sit on my shoulder; Tigger will demand attention; Sweets will shake paws. Chocolate will greet me in the front yard; Rocket will drag himself out of his house and wag a tail at me.
It’s not a family – they aren’t human – they aren’t my children. They are just the only live things that actually enjoy my company enough to be with me. Whether they feel love as humans do doesn’t matter – I love them.
I can’t win. I lost my job. I’m being evicted. I have no money. I’m a failure.
But I still love them. And I still love Him.
Faith and pets – all I have to live for right now. I’m gonna lose the latter and it’s killing me. Not literally – suicide is the same thing as telling Jesus I don’t love Him and He isn’t enough – so no, no matter what, I won’t do that.
Just tonight I hurt.
A friend sent some money – I haven’t been turned down for unemployment – I can try to appeal. Love will be there when I get home tonight. So, there are little lights. I even have one friend who understands why I don’t just get rid of my pets – that means a LOT to me.
But it’s lonely tonight. I hate that I’ve failed again. I am so scared – and so tired.
I can walk again – my arthritis hit big time last week and had me on crutches. Hurt a whole lot but I’m walking much better. Lot less pain. Another little light. And the abscess in my jaw is shrinking – that one God did. Warm little light.
Well, the coffee shop is closing so it’s time to go.